The Comfort of Nostalgia

When relationships end, our consciousness begins to select only those moments that offer comfort, softening the painful experiences and helping to preserve a warm image of love. In a state of emotional shock, we involuntarily discard the negative in order to protect ourselves from the acute pain of loss, and we idealize our shared past. This mechanism allows us to temporarily lessen inner trauma, as returning to pleasant memories helps cope with the pain of separation. However, this artificial "cleansing" of the past—where mistakes and shortcomings remain unnoticed—creates an illusion of an idealized past relationship. In turn, this can complicate the process of complete emotional recovery, because a distorted perception of the situation prevents us from objectively assessing what happened and learning from our mistakes. It is important to realize that although choosing positive moments helps us navigate through difficult times, true healing requires an honest analysis of both the good and the painful aspects of the relationship in order to find harmony and move forward.

Why do people tend to recall only the positive moments after a breakup, and how does this affect their emotional state?

People tend to remember only the pleasant moments of past relationships because this approach allows them to shield themselves from the painful experiences associated with a breakup. In a state of emotional shock and loss, the mind often selects only those memories that bring comfort, ignoring or suppressing the negative details. This helps to maintain an idealized image of love, even if in reality the relationship had its shortcomings.

For example, one source ( link ) states:
"If we have truly loved—if we have been granted even the slightest self-denial—then perhaps in that first breakup we will perceive something of our own shortcomings. ... However, usually we do not see any faults in ourselves. Love betrays only the Other. In regard to what was given, he took more. I begin to measure, to calculate. And thoughts always justify me. Consequently, I feel entitled to resist, to complain about fate, to become the aggressor, trading my devoted tenderness for entitlement." (source: link )

This quote shows that, while enduring a breakup, a person tends to involuntarily ignore their own mistakes and shortcomings by reinterpreting the past through the lens of positive emotions. Such a mechanism helps to temporarily soften the sharp pain of separation, allowing one to preserve a pleasant impression of the relationship. However, prolonged immersion in this state can hinder full emotional recovery, as the idealization of positive moments prevents an objective assessment of the situation and acceptance of what has happened.

Thus, the selective recall of only positive memories acts as a defense mechanism that reduces the immediate emotional trauma while simultaneously creating an illusion of the "ideal" past relationship, which may eventually lead to further internal conflict and difficulty in accepting reality.