Memory's Alchemy: Transforming Pain Into Growth

Let us recall how our lives are filled with events that leave deep marks on our hearts and minds. The mechanism of memory is not merely an archive of experiences, but a dynamic process in which internal attitudes and external circumstances intertwine into a unified whole. Our emotions, our ability to cope with pain, and our capacity to find the strength to forgive all play a pivotal role in shaping how we perceive what has happened. Just as we strive to remove a persistent splinter to free ourselves from physical discomfort, our inner world also needs liberation from old wounds, enabling us not only to shed painful memories but also to discover new meanings.

Yet this process is also influenced by external factors—words, situations, and cultural traditions that repeatedly evoke images of bygone days. Sometimes even a simple request to share the most vivid moments of one’s life can bring long-forgotten events back into consciousness, reviving not only the pain but also the lessons we have learned from those experiences. The world around us reminds us that memories reside not only in the past but are also closely intertwined with our present, enriching it with their significance.

Ultimately, true transformation occurs when we learn to forgive not only ourselves but also others, and when we derive life lessons from every experience. This transformation allows us to turn pain into a source of strength and memories into fuel for personal growth. By embracing this harmony, we can courageously face the future, knowing that the past will never merely cast a shadow—it will remain a valuable cornerstone of our experience.

Why is it that some people cannot forget, while others can remember, and what internal or external factors may influence this process?

Answering your question requires an examination of how the mechanism of forgetting and remembering relies on a complex interplay between internal psychological predispositions and external circumstances. Internal factors include the emotional hue of the events experienced, an individual's ability to work through pain and resentment, and the process of forgiveness which helps “extract” pain from memory—much like one would not want to leave a splinter in one’s finger. A person strives to remove the source of discomfort, yet even after the “splinter” is taken out, a lasting effect is felt, leaving behind a scar. As noted in one of the sources:
"Very many people say, 'I would gladly forgive, but I cannot forget.' But does anyone really like the feeling of having a splinter in their finger? Of course, no one would keep a splinter in their finger and claim everything is fine. They hurry to have it removed." (source: link )

In addition to these internal experiences, the method by which memories are retrieved is significant—those external stimuli and situations that trigger the recollection of the past. For example, certain words, requests, or situations can inadvertently activate images of long-forgotten events, sometimes causing an overflow of memories from earlier in life even when we are free to choose what we recall. This is discussed in the following excerpt:
"A request to recount the most vivid events of one's life triggers an overflow of memories from earlier phases of life. A lofty tone of address also often evokes older memories." (source: link )

It should also be considered that memories are often experienced not as an exact archive of the past but as a process intimately linked to the present—their meaning and significance may change as we evolve. Internal changes and accumulated life experience determine which memories remain vivid and which fade into oblivion. As stated in one of the sources:
"Remembering is a process that is not necessarily linked to the actual occurrence of a past event, but may be connected with the meaningful context of the present. Memories are experienced as if they are happening in the present..." (source: link )

Thus, some people cannot forget painful or traumatic events unless there has been an internal reconciliation or processing of those experiences, leading to a continuous reminder of an unhealed wound. Others, however, through changed feelings, new experiences, or different methods of "extracting" memories, can recall the past while seeing not only the pain but also the lessons and opportunities for growth. In the end, both internal experiences and external stimuli—such as cultural traditions and the ways in which we approach memories through language and communication—play a decisive role in whether certain events persist in our memory or fade over time.

Supporting citation(s):
"Very many people say, 'I would gladly forgive, but I cannot forget.' But does anyone really like the feeling of having a splinter in their finger? Of course, no one would keep a splinter in their finger and claim everything is fine. They hurry to have it removed." (source: link )

"A request to recount the most vivid events of one's life triggers an overflow of memories from earlier phases of life. A lofty tone of address also often evokes older memories." (source: link )

"Remembering is a process that is not necessarily linked to the actual occurrence of a past event, but may be connected with the meaningful context of the present. Memories are experienced as if they are happening in the present..." (source: link )